Recently in humor Category

Everyone who's taken Viagra, or even seen a commercial for it, knows that an erection lasting four hours or longer, no matter how entertaining, is a sign you should see your doctor. Well, what if you had a stiffy 24/7. And a bad tattoo on it to boot.

Such was the dilemma of a young Iranian man whose case was recently written up and has the distinction of being "the first known case of nonischemic priapism following penile tattooing."

He had his peter engraved with his girlfriend's initial and Persian script reading borow be salaamat (that translates to "good luck on your journeys" not "borrow my salami"). Well, now his schlong is boldly going into a medical journal and urological infamy.

While penis tattooing isn't the wisest choice, the problem this guy encountered is a relatively rare occurrence. The tattoo artist used a heavy duty needle and a traditional middle eastern tattooing method that involves jabbing through the skin by hand, not with a machine that would allow for depth control, then rubbing in the coloring agent. The punctures caused fistulas and bleeding into the penile tissues - and no doubt a world of hurt both during and after.

The internal damage lead to an inter-penile aneurism, and blood began to pool in his member until it reached a permanently erect state. Doctors advised him to have the blood removed, but he opted for a shunt procedure, which failed. Since he's no longer in pain, and can function normally otherwise, he's refused further treatment - perhaps understandable given the amount of genital trauma he's endured.

As the authors of the medical article astutely conclude: "Tattooing should be added to the etiologies of nonischemic priapism. Considering this case, we discourage penile tattooing." It can also be added as an effective but inadvisable cure for erectile dysfunction.

Some people hoard animals, some people hoard old newspapers or empty margarine tubs. And some people, apparently, hoard erectile dysfunction drugs.

In Union City, New Jersey, 75-year-old Rafael Molfa Gandulla called police to report a break in and theft of some luggage. While searching the premises for evidence, the cops came across $2,000 worth of Viagra and Cialis.

Wow.  Costco pharmacy must have been having a special on the 5 lb. jars.

How much is $2,000 worth of Viagra? Well, at $7.50 per pill (a typical price), that's about 266 tablets. A few pills short of a kilo, but still, that's a well-stocked medicine cabinet. Is there any legitimate reason to have that much in your possession? Maybe he was kind of OCD and had anxiety about getting caught without his Viagra when he needed it. Maybe he was hoarding it to drive the price up.

It probably seems a little sketchy to have thousands of dollars of pharmaceuticals on hand. Especially when you also have $20,000 in cash sitting around your house. Theoretically, all those pills might have been for Mr. Gurdulla's personal use - he is 75, after all. Although, judging from his mug shot he doesn't exactly look like Casanova material. But whether or not all of that was for Mr. Gardulla is moot - since he didn't have a prescription. He also had a small amount of (non-medical) marijuana, and received drug charges for both.

Detectives speculate that the stolen luggage may also have contained thousands worth of pills. Mr. Gurdulla said the luggage had been packed for a trip he was about to leave on. There would have been a lot of rockin' on that cruise ship.

So what's this guy's story? Viagra smuggler? Geriatric swinger? Or obsessive compulsive pharmaceutical hoarder? If you could work a dead body in there somewhere, it would make a great episode of CSI.

A new year is a fresh start that always brings with it good intentions and resolutions to turn over a new leaf. Here's how Viagra can help you reach your goals with some of the most popular New Year's resolutions.

1. Lose Weight/Get In Shape - Viagra can help you get the kind of cardio-vascular workout you'll really enjoy. But like they say: check with your doctor before beginning any exercise program, especially if it involves Viagra.

2. Quit Smoking - Honestly, Viagra's not going to help you much here, especially if you like to indulge in a smoke after lovemaking. Maybe try the patch or gum.

3. Help Others - Donate some of your Viagra to a worthy cause. Hundreds of folks sent Viagra tablets to a veterinary hospital to help out Ingrid the pitbull, who must take the drug daily for her heart. Or consider sending some to the poor codgers in the UK, to supplement the paltry two tablet per month ration that the national health plan is trying to impose.
 
4. Get Out of Debt/Spend Less Money - If you're trying to conserve cash, a romantic evening at home with Viagra is way cheaper than dinner and/or entertainment - a typical dose costs less than the price of a movie ticket

5. Get Organized - You want to always be able to find your Viagra when you need it. So get a little pill canister you can put on your keychain. Clean out your medicine cabinet, alphabetize the contents, get rid of any expired medications, and replace your pill splitter if it's getting dull.

6. Be Less Stressed - Everyone knows sex is one of the best stress relievers around. And you'll have even less stress if you use Viagra, because you won't be worrying about experiencing an equipment failure.

7. Improve Relationship - There are no guarantees, but Viagra has helped bring countless couples closer over the years. If your erectile dysfunction has caused the spark or intimacy to go out of your relationship, Viagra could give it the kickstart it needs.

Oh, and in case the Mayan calendar predictions about 2012 come true and civilization as we know it ends, be sure to stockpile some Viagra for your post-apocalyptic bunker.

They say you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but it seems fair to say that not a lot of tears have been shed over the announcement that North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong Il has passed on. We might have even heard a chorus of "Ding-dong, the Witch Is Dead".

Now questions arise about his successor, son Kim Jong Un. Like, will he continue his father's tradition of financing North Korean military operations through insurance scams and selling fake Viagra. Yes, it's true - U.S. intelligence linked the North Korean government with several shady operations, including manufacturing and trading counterfeit Viagra. Oh, and counterfeit money too.

There is a whole underground economy based on this sort of stuff, so hopefully, the world markets will be able to handle a possible shortage of sketchy, arsenic-laced fake pharmaceuticals.

Apple's Siri, the voice of iPhone4, is pretty amazing when it comes to providing helpful information, but apparently "she" has some blind spots. Siri can help you find Viagra, but can't help you deal with the aftermath. Women investigating the AI's aptitude have found it woefully lacking in knowledge of female reproductive health. Or maybe Apple is just revealing an unexpected pro-life bias.

[via Abortioneers]

Q: I am pregnant and do not want to be. Where can I go to get an abortion?

"I'm really sorry about this, but I can't take any requests right now. Please try again in a little while."

"Sorry, [my name], I can't look for places in Tanzania."

"I don't see any abortion clinics. Sorry about that."

Q: I had unprotected sex. Where can I go for emergency contraception?

"Sorry, I couldn't find any adult retail stores." This was repeated every time.

Q: I need birth control. Where can I go for birth control?

"I didn't find any birth control clinics." [This was repeated every time I asked about birth control, all three times. This is also the answer given when I asked, "What is birth control?"]

Actually, I have to take back what I said about Siri not helping with Viagra's aftermath. While she can't offer any information for preventing or dealing with unwanted pregnancies, Siri is prepared for other consequences.

I guess Canadian pharmacies are over-hyped. A robber who held up a Quebec drugstore at knife point managed to pocket some cash, but went away empty handed when he demanded some Viagra.
 
After milling around for a while, looking suspicious, the man was approached by a clerk, asked a question, and was directed to a cashier for information about a drug. The suspect then whipped out a hunting knife, told the cashier to empty the till, then asked the employee to give him some Viagra. She told him she didn't have any, after which he fled the scene.

A pharmacy without Viagra? Seriously? 

More likely, she just meant that she didn't have any on hand at the cash register. As far as I know, even in Canada, Viagra's not an over-the-counter drug. And in case you're wondering, no, the hold-up guy wasn't on the lam from the local retirement home - witnesses say he was about 25 years old.

Yahoo Mail has launched a slick new data visualization feature that shows what keywords are trending in email across the whole Yahoo network. I haven't quite figured out how to use it, but it's still fun to look at.

The folks over at Fast Company's Co. Design were pretty quick to apply their interpretation to the ever-changing river of data: "Note the presence of 'vaga'--presumably, that's a wave of spam about viagra that's striking out across the network". They then go on to extrapolate that the variations on the spellings of Viagra must number in the sextillions, fittingly enough.

Another fun figure: every second, hundreds of thousands of new Yahoo mail accounts are created. For what ends? Probably to put out more spelling permutations of Viagra. And so the cycle begins anew.

The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency has been known for its, er, ingenuity, from using heavy metal music for psychological warfare, to creating spy kitties wired with listening devices to infiltrate Soviet embassies. The agency has also never shied away from using drugs to achieve its ends, and in the '60s supposedly dosed unsuspecting subjects with LSD for 77 days straight in some kind of mind control experiment.

Given this history, it's not surprising that the CIA would also put Viagra to use to reach military intelligence objectives. The U.S. needed some leverage to gain the trust and loyalty of tribal leaders in war-torn Afghanistan, but cash and showy gifts were too conspicuous. Sex always has universal buying power, but when you're dealing with fundamentalist Muslims, offering prostitutes is out of the question. Then someone came up with the bright idea of passing out Viagra. In a tribal system where procreative abilities are key to power and influence, the magic blue pill could be gold.

Of course, it didn't hold the same appeal for everyone, but it had its specific applications:

"You didn't hand it out to younger guys, but it could be a silver bullet to make connections to the older ones," said one retired operative familiar with the drug's use in Afghanistan. Afghan tribal leaders often had four wives -- the maximum number allowed by the Koran -- and aging village patriarchs were easily sold on the utility of a pill that could "put them back in an authoritative position," the official said. 

Wonder if Pfizer has a contract as a supplier to the Dept. of Defense.

So what name do you think the agency assigned to this scheme? We went over to the Random Military Operation Name Generator and came up with a few that might have been suitable:

Operation Eternal Missile

Operation Congested Omar

Operation High-pressure Fatwa

Operation Piercing Beaver

Operation Sore Lover

Operation Engorged Python

Operation Ejaculating Turban

Halloween's almost here, so we figured we'd get crafty a bit and put together a new project for you all to try. The result? Doctor and nurse pez dispensers with Viagra-shaped candy: