Halloween's almost here, so we figured we'd get crafty a bit and put together a new project for you all to try. The result? Doctor and nurse pez dispensers with Viagra-shaped candy:
Recently in humor Category
The "computation knowledge engine" Wolfram
Alpha may still be working out some kinks. But they're apparently working some in, too.
As of last week the massive data compiler didn't know how to parse "penis size", turning their standard "I don't know what you mean" reply into a hilariously deadpan double entendre.
Hard Working Data Curators!
Apparently popular demand for this bit of data sp
urred their
data curators to get on top of things and plug those numbers in, because you can now
do a search on "penis size" to find average lengths of both erect and flaccid penises, global or broken down by
country.
Sizing Yourself Up?
Wolfram is helpful in case you don't have a ruler or tape measure handy. It offers equivalents using a few other common objects as units of measurement: the average penis equals the length of 3 AA batteries, or 1.8 credit cards
.
Wolfram Alpha is still pretty unworldly when it comes to carnal knowledge. The word "sex" just brings up some lexicographic facts. But so much is still uncharted: What's the average duration of intercourse? How many times per month does the average couple have sex? What's the average amount of semen in an ejaculation? All questions that apparently baffle the Wolfram mind. However, we predict that this period of innocence won't last long.
Of course, we had to input Viagra to see what results we'd get. The engine returned some info on sildenafil's chemical properties and drug classification, but no sales figures, estimated users, number of Viagra spam emails sent annually, etc. However, we did learn that Viagra has a melting point of 189 C (about 375 F). That has to be good for something - don't leave your prescription bottle on your car dash this summer - especially if you spend summers on Venus.
As of last week the massive data compiler didn't know how to parse "penis size", turning their standard "I don't know what you mean" reply into a hilariously deadpan double entendre.
Hard Working Data Curators!
Apparently popular demand for this bit of data sp
urred their
data curators to get on top of things and plug those numbers in, because you can now
do a search on "penis size" to find average lengths of both erect and flaccid penises, global or broken down by
country. Sizing Yourself Up?
Wolfram is helpful in case you don't have a ruler or tape measure handy. It offers equivalents using a few other common objects as units of measurement: the average penis equals the length of 3 AA batteries, or 1.8 credit cards
.
Wolfram Alpha is still pretty unworldly when it comes to carnal knowledge. The word "sex" just brings up some lexicographic facts. But so much is still uncharted: What's the average duration of intercourse? How many times per month does the average couple have sex? What's the average amount of semen in an ejaculation? All questions that apparently baffle the Wolfram mind. However, we predict that this period of innocence won't last long.
Of course, we had to input Viagra to see what results we'd get. The engine returned some info on sildenafil's chemical properties and drug classification, but no sales figures, estimated users, number of Viagra spam emails sent annually, etc. However, we did learn that Viagra has a melting point of 189 C (about 375 F). That has to be good for something - don't leave your prescription bottle on your car dash this summer - especially if you spend summers on Venus.
Hot Viagra news alert! Pfizer is offering some of its drugs for free to people who lose their jobs, including Viagra! Good news if you lose your job or if, like us, you enjoy some Viagra puns.
How Viagra Would Have Been Distributed in the First Great Depression
Headline writers have been hard at work on this story, here is the best we've found so far:
Laid off, still laid: Pfizer will help keep it up in bed with free Viagra (Minneapolis/St. Paul City Pages)
And some of our own:
Pink slipped? Pfizer helps you keep on slipping it in the pink
Job loss leads to erectile gain
Drug maker helps you stay hard in a soft economy
Concerned about deflation? Pfizer to re-inflate the jobless
Ever get a "Viagra Handshake"? This article at Huffingtonpost.com seems to recommend them:
Maybe Viagra handshakes are short-lasting and extremely firm, while Cialis ones are a bit softer but last all day long? Levitra ones signal strength even on a full stomach?
Seriously, though, if you're popping Viagra before your job interviews, to improve handshakes or something else, you've got more problems than we can help you with.
I use the term "Viagra handshake" to describe the firm handshake that is vitally important when you're on an interview.Not sure what that would mean. Your hand becoming so stiff you can't even close it around the other person's? I wonder who gets the slight flush to the face and mild nasal congestion, the giver or the recipient - or both!
Maybe Viagra handshakes are short-lasting and extremely firm, while Cialis ones are a bit softer but last all day long? Levitra ones signal strength even on a full stomach?
Seriously, though, if you're popping Viagra before your job interviews, to improve handshakes or something else, you've got more problems than we can help you with.
10. They want to keep a firm hold on power
9. It helps keep them up in the polls
8. Too many "soft money" campaign contributions
7. "Nailin' Palin" DVD is getting real old - real fast
6. Nothing worse than erectoral defeat
5. It's tiring work keeping constituents happy
4. Sometimes it's hard to perform in airport bathroom stalls
3. Funds aren't the only thing they have trouble raising
2. The interns aren't quite as cute as they used to be
1. Sometimes economic stimulus just isn't enough
9. It helps keep them up in the polls
8. Too many "soft money" campaign contributions
7. "Nailin' Palin" DVD is getting real old - real fast
6. Nothing worse than erectoral defeat
5. It's tiring work keeping constituents happy
4. Sometimes it's hard to perform in airport bathroom stalls
3. Funds aren't the only thing they have trouble raising
2. The interns aren't quite as cute as they used to be
1. Sometimes economic stimulus just isn't enough
