Recently in humor Category

35 Viagra Pills for Laughs, Not So Funny After All

Thumbnail image for news-icon.jpgHere's a cautionary tale that shows you one reason it's wise not to mix alcohol with Viagra: Daniel Medforth, a 26-year-old U.K. man who was joking around with some drinking buddies, found himself in a world of hurt after downing 35 Viagra pills within an hour.

Thirty-five? What on earth was he thinking? Planning an epic date-night? The story makes a little more sense when we learn that he and his pub-mates had been on a two-day bender.

"My mate brought them downstairs, I just said I'd take one for a laugh and one led to two to three, et cetera," Medforth told The Daily Beast

Bad idea. Very bad idea. This is a good time to remind everyone to a) only take prescription medications like Viagra under a doctor's supervision, b) follow the dosing and directions given by your doctor and pharmacist, and c) never take someone else's medication.

(On a side note, the U.K.'s national health program rations Viagra to one pill per week per patient, so it's curious to begin with that his buddy had 35 tablets on hand. Perhaps he had been hoarding them, or paid extra for them out of pocket. Wonder if Medforth's going to pay his pal back for the loss.)

Anyway, the poor bloke ended up with a "massive erection" that wouldn't go away, along with some other unpleasant symptoms: "I ended up feeling sick, dizzy and hallucinating -- everything I saw was green." (Having the visual field turn greenish is an uncommon but know side effect of Viagra. If you're a sildenafil user and you start seeing green, contact your doctor.)

He got a dressing down from his doctors, angered his wife (did he expect she'd be happy to have him come home hopped up on Viagra?), and spent two days in the hospital. Even when he got out, Medforth lived with the aftereffects for days: his painful and hypersensitive member sprang up at the slightest touch, giving him continual but "useless" erections.

All things considered, he was lucky. Excessive Viagra use resulted in the amputation of a Colombian man's penis (he'd had an erection for several days before seeking medical attention, and gangrene had set in), and a fatal heart attack for a Russian man who took a bottle of the drug while engaging in a 12-hour sex marathon.

As it was, Medforth just had to suffer through some pain and embarrassment, and a hard week. A very hard week.
news-icon.jpgViagra now has another outstanding celebrity endorsement! In a recent podcast, WWE legend Stone Cold Steve Austin went public with his use of the little blue pill.

Like some other celebs who have copped to using Viagra, the fifty-year-old Austin stopped short of saying that he actually needed the pill to do the deed: "I can f*ck without Viagra or Cialis, but I f*ck better with Viagra than if I don't take Viagra. So, at 50 years of age, I'm into reality, and the reality is -- at 50 -- I've got more years behind me than I do in front of me. So, I wanna enjoy these next few motherf*cking years to the maximum enjoyment that I can enjoy."

Steve raises a good point: You don't have to be having complete sexual dysfunction to benefit from using Viagra. But sexual function does decline with age, and many men in mid-life simply find that they perform better and more consistently when using the drug. 

Austin mentioned that while he has used both Viagra and Cialis, he wouldn't consider mixing the medications: "[I] take Viagra. I also take Cialis, but you never take those things at the same time. If you're gonna take Viagra, you stick with the Viagra. If you're gonna take Cialis, stick with the Cialis. You can't flip-flop back-and-forth [because] it's bad for you medically." 

Well, Austin's obviously not a doctor, and neither are we, but that seems like sound advice. 

So if you've been on the fence about whether to use Viagra, consider Stone Cold's words of wisdom: "[I]t makes me f*ck better, and when I f*ck, I'm pretty goddamn happy."

Best. Headshot. Ever.

Thumbnail image for humor_icon.jpgIf you're a fan of the CBS series "Parks and Recreation", then you're already acquainted with the awesomeness of Ron Swanson, a.k.a. Nick Offerman. Nick Offerman is just about as much of a badass in real life as his alter-ego Swanson is on screen, and he's got photographic proof to back it up. Here's a man who embodies the phrase "big swinging dick".

Decades ago, when the young Offerman was launching his acting career, he was was told he would be typecast as working class fellas: plumbers, bus drivers, farmers and the like. His response? " My response to being told I was gonna be playing bus drivers: Oh yeah? Have you seen my dick?' " Offerman had a 3/4 body photograph of himself taken with a prosthetic penis as big as his arm sticking out of his fly.

Well, that's one way to get the attention of casting agents. It did get him parts in a couple of plays. Seems like it could have landed him a contract as a Viagra spokesman.

These days, his acting prowess is undebatable.

Coincidentally, the owner of the world's largest penis, Jonah Falcon, is also an actor, but has never shown his, uh, talent in the same manner as Offerman.

London Olympics: Show Us Your "O" Face

Thumbnail image for humor_icon.jpgThere have been a lot of climactic and inspiring moments in the Summer Olympics so far...Michael Phelps becoming the most decorated Olympian ever. Double amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius completing the semifinals for the men's 400m...hurdler Liu Xiang refusing to let a crippling injury stop him from crossing the finish line. But have you seen all of these climaxes? Check out these Olympic images, which could join the vast body of "Blank-face" or O face quizzes.

While we're at it, here's an interesting and somewhat suggestive sequence from a fencing event:  In challenging the scoring for one of the touches, a South Korean fencer insisted on repeatedly jabbing himself in the butt with his opponent's foil. Again, and again, and again. At some point you have to question if he was kind of asking for it.

For some reason this reminds us of an "Olympics" story from several years back, apparently before Viagra was added to the list of banned substances. Heard of "winning by a nose"? How about winning by a different protuberence?


Thumbnail image for news-icon.jpgIs Viagra an unofficial sponsor of the Summer Olympics and Paralympics? Why ever would you think that? Maybe the fact that the events' official mascots look like two giant walking penises.

Wenlock and Mandeville are the Games' official mascots, and they are supposed to be two drops of steel. OK...whatever. Nobody seems to know what drops of steel have to do with the Olympics. And really, they look like penises. Or maybe giant sentient alien sperm. The phallic resemblance is pretty undeniable, with their bulbous heads, single eye, and stumpy legs that are vaguely scrotal.

Thanks to the creatures' suggestiveness - not to mention their general scariness level - some have recommended keeping them away from children. Also, don't tell the kids that London's Olympic 2012 logo is really an abstract representation of Lisa Simpson giving Bart head.

Fasten Your Seatbelts, It's Going to Be a Humpy Night

Thumbnail image for news-icon.jpgMany guys have had the experience of getting an unwanted boner on public transportation. Awkward. Imagine if it wasn't a bus ride across town, but a cross-Atlantic flight.

That's what happened to Jeremy Renner, star of The Hurt Locker and the upcoming sequel in the Bourne film series, The Bourne Legacy. (He also played serial killer Jeffery Dahmer in a biopic, but let's not go there.) While on a flight from L.A. to London, he accidentally took a Viagra instead of a sleeping pill.

Hoping to avoid jet lag, he downed what he thought was an Ambien, but turned out to be a Viagra tablet "given to him by a friend". A friend with a warped sense of humor? Apparently some Ambien pills share a similar blue hue with Viagra, but  who wouldn't recognize the tablet's distinctive diamond shape? In any case, it was pretty surely not intentional on Renner's part, and it sounds like he was pretty miserable the whole time.

The flight crew were made aware of the situation, and did what you would normally do to keep any swelling down - offering ice packs. And probably blankets to help keep it under wraps.

Renner said he didn't get any sleep during the trip, which can take 10 to 12 hours, and  had to endure an embarrassing walk of shame if he needed to use the loo.

A cautionary tale for any of you thinking of trying to use Viagra to set some kind of Mile-High Club record,

TSA Dicks Around the World's Largest Dong

Thumbnail image for news-icon.jpgEverybody feels a little violated by the Transportation Security Administration claiming the right to touch your junk in the defense of national security. To make a point, there's been at least one prankster who's taken Viagra before getting a TSA pat down. Some folks, on the other hand, don't need any help in that department for setting off the TSA's alarms.

What happens when the guy with the world's largest schlong steps through one of those full-body scanners? Jonah Falcon (yes, that's his real name) is that guy. And he had a recent run-in with the TSA. The actor (Yes, he's a legitimate actor. Please. He refuses to do porn.) was traveling through San Francisco International airport, when he was waylayed by security agents.

As he went through the security area, Falcon said he had his "stuff" strapped down, but its bulkiness drew the immediate attention of guards, who asked him if his pockets were truly empty. After proceeding through the X-ray scanner, Falcon was asked if he had some sort of "growth".

Well, yes. You could call it that. It's a growth that's 9 inches flaccid and 13 inched erect.

Falcon said that he was subjected to an extensive pat down in which the male screener felt all all around his "area".

He says that next time he'll just wear bike shorts, so there will be no question as to the nature of his carry-on.

Or, to make it absolutely, positively clear, he could follow the example of an Oregon man who stripped naked in the Portland airport to protest the TSA's invasiveness. John Brennan was acquitted today of charges of public indecency when a Multnomah County judge ruled that his disrobement was an act of protest protected by First Amendment rights to free speech.

Thumbnail image for humor_icon.jpgIf that whole presidential thing doesn't work out for Mitt Romney, we've got another career path that he can fall right into.

Expert analysis of stock video footage of Romney in action reveals he'd be a natural for promoting Pfizer's flagship brand. The folks at Buzzfeed make their point by simply superimposing a Viagra pill and the "Talk to your doctor" tagline over gifs of Romney going about his business.

Romney comes across like a more manly and vigorous Bob Dole - an active, successful baby boomer who's confident and at ease, having dealt with his ED. Whether shooting hoops, piloting a speedboat, driving a tractor or riding horses with his lovely blonde wife, Romney has an aura of nonthreatening WASP-y virility that should play well with potential Viagra consumers.

He also has exactly the right look to be a JCPenney menswear model, but I think he missed the boat on that one back in 1978.

Cartoon Arouses Ire of South Africa's "Dick-tator"

Thumbnail image for news-icon.jpgA lot of global citizens share a similar feeling about politicians: they're big dicks. A South African political cartoonist gave that a more literal interpretation, by depicting the country's president, Jacob Zuma, as an erect penis.

The kerfuffle started with a satirical painting of Zuma called "The Spear". Artist Brett Murray portrayed the president in the style of socialist artwork, in a pose reminiscent of Lenin. Also with his penis hanging out.

Zuma was suing the displaying gallery to get them to remove the canvas.

The painting was recently vandalized by two men who came into the art gallery with cans of paint and brushes. Were they anti-Zuma, anti-nudity, or just radical art critics? It's hard to tell, but they painted over both Zuma's face and exposed genitals.

In the act of trying to cover himself, Zuma's legal suit against the artist attracted the criticism of a well-known South African political cartoonist, Jonathon Shapiro (aka Zapiro).

Zapiro's comic features Zuma as a giant walking penis in an art gallery, frowning at itself in a mirror, accompanied by a limerick describing him as a dick for trying to suppress the painter's freedom of expression. The African National Congress' Women's League responded that "The Zapiro cartoons rely on their shock value to make an impact, but calling the president of this great nation a 'dick' is unacceptable."

Zuma's defenders cry foul on flaunting the president's privates, calling the images racist and denigrating the politico's dignity in a manner reminiscent of pre-apartheid's dehumanization of blacks. Zuma's critics say it has more to do with his personal life and public comments. He practices polygamy and has had extramarital affairs, and has stated that showering after sex can reduce the risk of getting HIV (Zapiro depicts Zuma with a small shower over his head for this reason).

No word on whether Zuma is a Viagra consumer, but with a track record like that, it would be a surprise if he wasn't.

Auto-correct on Viagra: More Texting Fails

Thumbnail image for humor_icon.jpgAutocorrect and voice-to-text are famous for putting words into people's mouths - and putting certain other things into their mouths, or hands, or -  well, you get the idea. Sometimes it seems like autocorrect is responsible for as many erections as Viagra, plus a healthy dose of hilarity.

It helps to get off to a good start in life.

It may twist your words, but autocorrect cannot tell a lie.

So that's why everyone goes there for their honeymoon.

Thanks, I'll just use the GPS.

This doesn't seem like a fair trade.

When you gotta have it, you gotta have it?

Well, that probably would be a surprise for everybody.

And now...a few choice words courtesy of Siri....

I guess some people prefer natural remedies.

That must be some recipe.

Despite the misunderstandings, she'll help you find a happy ending.