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Winning By a Head: Olympics to Ban Viagra?

By HARDY JOHNSON

JERSEY CITY The international sports world erupted in controversy yesterday as French Olympic officials challenged Russian sprinter Ivando Yurkov's gold medal in the 500-meter dash. The French delegation alleges that the photo-finish victory was invalid because the Russian won the race by the length of his erect penis. Furthermore, the French claim that the Russian trainers dosed Yurkov with Viagra to keep his penis hard during competition, thereby giving him an unfair advantage of 25 cm (nearly 10 inches).

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"We've never had a situation like this before," said Olympic arbitrator Leon
Furbish. "Races have been won by a nose before, but never by a cock."

In video of the race, a prominent protrusion from Yurkov's shorts can be
seen breaking the waist-high ribbon at the finish line, as French silver
medalist Pierre Pettit appears to match Yurkov stride for stride.

Russian officials maintain that Yurkov earned his medal fair and square, and
deny any hanky panky. "Ivando was just excited to be competing in an Olympic
event," said Russian track coach Hugo Balsakski. "There is no rule against
having a hard-on during the Games." Besides, the Russians contend, even if
Yurkov had taken Viagra, the drug is not on the Olympic list of banned
substances.

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"I guess Viagra could be considered a 'performance enhancing' drug in one sense and could be said to increase stamina," says sports medicine expert Dr. Harry Palmer. "But that's not really what the Olympics had in mind when they made up the list of banned drugs."

"Those sissy French are just jealous that Russian men are so virile and well-endowed," added Balsakski. "Have you ever seen the French athletes in the locker room? They are hung like, how do you say...escargots. Russian women have bigger dicks than the French."

Yurkov could not be reached for comment. He is recovering from exhaustion and injuries sustained after being mobbed by dozens of female fans after the race.

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