Telling One's Fiancée

Dear Miss Everhard,

My fiancée and I are getting married next week. For the last two years, I've been taking Viagra before sex, but she has no idea. Should I tell her before the wedding?

Finding out that your husband-to-be uses Viagra isn't the worst thing in the world. It's not like you're shtupping the bridesmaid. If you were taking Viagra in order to shtupp the bridesmaid, that would be another matter. However, considering all of the planning, emotional investment, and non-refundable expenses that go into staging a wedding, it is best to refrain from making any grand personal revelations to one's betrothed, unless it's something along the lines of "I'm gay," or "I'm pregnant with your best friend's baby." Anything less pressing can wait until after the honeymoon.

Thanking Your Physician

Dear Miss Everhard,

At my last check up, my doctor gave me a free sample packet of Viagra. Am I obligated to send him a thank-you note?

Unless your physician provides truly extraordinary or life-saving care - or in this case, gifts you with a year's supply of Viagra trial packs - a simple verbal "Thank you, doctor," expresses sufficient gratitude for any medical services rendered or medications dispensed. If you feel so moved, you may add, "I appreciate your consideration and sensitivity in this matter." Provided, of course, that his bedside manner demonstrates those qualities.

When to Pop the Pill

Dear Miss Everhard,

I need to use Viagra to keep an erection. I find it usually takes at least a half-hour for me to really get the effect of the drug, so what is the best time to take it if I'm on a date with a woman and it seems likely we will have sex? I don't want us to have to sit around awkwardly waiting till I'm "ready", but it seems like it would be weird to take it in a restaurant while we're at dinner.

If you are concerned about taking a pill in public, it is easy to do so discreetly. All that is required is a trip to the restroom or some simple sleight of hand to slip it past your lips. However, it seems the real issue here is timing. If you are quite certain of your evening itinerary, and you are quite sure that the trajectory of your date is leading to the bedroom, go ahead and take the pill before you get to wherever you plan to have your relations. However, you don't want to jump the gun and take a pill you don't need, which is why it's key that you and your date are on the same page. You'll be looking at a long night of solitary endeavors if the lady's ardor does not match your own or she rebuffs your seduction.

My suggestion is to wait till you get both get more comfortable, then keep your date occupied during the 30 or so minutes that it takes for the drug to kick in. Put on some music, dim the lights, offer her a back rub, make out, or engage in foreplay for a while. If your date doesn't know about the Viagra, tell her you like to get "in the mood" before getting down to business. Chances are she'll appreciate you taking your time, but if she starts getting impatient, distract her with oral sex or manual stimulation until you are ready for intercourse.

Retrieving a Lost Prescription

Dear Miss Everhard,

I recently had a one-night stand with a woman I met online, and I accidentally left my (nearly full) bottle of Viagra at her apartment. I thought about going on another date with her just to get the Viagra back, but I don't want to give her the impression that I'm actually interested in her. Could I ask her to mail it to me?

You just found out the hard way why you should never travel with your entire supply of Viagra. Didn't you learn anything from Rush Limbaugh's example? I'm afraid you're just going to have to let it go and consider this an expensive lesson. Get a refill and invest a few dollars in a pill case so you can carry just one or two pills at a time.

On the other hand, should the lady contact you in order to notify you that you left something behind, you may offer to meet her at a mutually convenient time and location. A neutral venue like a coffeeshop is best. Get the bottle back as soon as possible after greeting her. Let her know that you appreciate her returning it to you. Then tell her that while you enjoyed the evening that you spent with her, you feel that it would be best not to continue to be sexually involved, because you feel the two of you aren't really compatible for dating. If she hasn't already thrown her coffee in your face, this would be a good point to excuse yourself.

Splitting the Costs

Dear Miss Everhard,

When I suggested to my boyfriend that he try Viagra to treat his "technical difficulties", he thought it was a good idea, but now he is saying that he can't afford the office visit and prescription, and wants me to pay for half the expenses. When I said no way, he pointed out that it was my idea in the first place, and that I would be getting as much out of it as him. He's the one who has erectile dysfunction, so I think he should pay his own medical bills. Who's right?

P. S. If I did pay for half and we broke up, would it be wrong to ask him for a refund for any unused portion of the Viagra?

Miss Everhard doesn't want to get into the finer points of pill-splitting, so let's just address the first part of your question, which will obviate the second part. If your boyfriend has had ED for any length of time - or even if he hasn't - surely he is aware that Viagra is a viable and preferred option for treatment of erectile difficulties. If he's acting as though taking Viagra never occurred to him before you suggested it, I'm inclined to suspect some disingenuousness on his part. I also suspect he's a bit of a cheapskate. If you had a medical problem that was interfering with your sex life - a yeast infection, for example - would he offer to pay for half of your gynecologist visit and Monistat prescription? Would you expect him to? Until a couple is sharing finances in all areas, one partner is not expected to subsidize the other's personal health care. As a compromise, tell him that you will not pay for half of his Viagra, but you are willing to forgo dinners out and other shared entertainment expenses until he is able to save enough money to cover the medical costs.

Getting More Bang for Your Buck

Dear Miss Everhard,

When I use Viagra the effects often last for up to several hours, sometimes after I've left my date's apartment for the evening. If I'm seeing more than one woman, would it be tacky to then go have sex with another woman while I'm under the effects of the same Viagra pill? It seems a shame to let multiple erections go to waste.

If you have the social adroitness, speed, and stamina to handle such a maneuver, and if you and the lady are in agreement that the evening's activities are over, Miss Everhard sees no reason to dissuade you from gathering nectar at the next flower. However, be aware that meeting two sexual assignations in the same evening without leaving either party feeling slighted requires some planning and discretion on your part. This is really no different than if you had a naturally high libido and needed sex several times a day with multiple partners to satisfy yourself; introducing Viagra and its window of opportunity into the equation gives you no excuse to behave like a cad. Even if both women are aware of the arrangement, basic consideration and courtesy should be observed. Let the first woman know ahead of time that you are only available for a quickie, and tell her when you need to take your leave so she doesn't feel like you're running out on her. You should also allow some time in between dates to shower and change clothes, since your second lady friend would probably not appreciate the scent of another woman on you. And neither woman needs to be reminded that they are not the only beneficiary of your Viagra-enhanced attentions that evening.

Insensitive Service at the Pharmacy

Dear Miss Everhard,

I dread picking up my Viagra prescription at my HMO pharmacy because the pharmacy staff is so indiscreet. They speak at such volume that the privacy dividers between windows are rendered useless. I've had a pharmacy clerk address me in a loud and clear voice: "You're picking up the Viagra refill, Mr. Evans?" or shout to someone in the back: "Do we have any more of those Viagra 100 milligram tabs?" How can I politely let the staff know that their behavior is unprofessional?

Miss Everhard mourns the passing of the day when discretion was the better part of customer service. No doubt the pharmacy area is often noisy and crowded, and the staff are simply trying to make themselves heard. However, one can be tactful even while shouting over a waiting area full of groaning patients and screaming babies. The clerk could simply yell, "What prescription are you picking up today, sir?" which would give you the opportunity to lean forward and reply at a volume that doesn't make your medical information public knowledge. Or you could be proactive when you approach the window, and say in a confidential tone, "I'm here to pick up my Viagra refill." If you experience another incident like you described, smile politely at the pharmacist and comment, "Isn't it nice that they've provided these dividers to protect patient privacy?" A complaint to the pharmacy manager and the customer relations department of your HMO may also prompt some staff retraining, since health providers are required by government regulations to protect patient confidentiality. In the meantime, before you need another refill, investigate whether your HMO offers a mail-order option for prescriptions.

Handling Requests for "Free Samples"

Dear Miss Everhard,

One of my friends knows that I use Viagra and asked me if I would give him a tablet "to try it out". I told him to talk to his doctor if he wants his own. Was I right to refuse? How do I get him to stop pestering me about it?

Your friend's request is inappropriate for a multitude of reasons, but as with all inappropriate requests, a simple "No" without further explanation is all that should be required. If your friend persists, point out that pharmaceutical companies supply physicians with box-loads of trial-size packets for just this purpose. If he simply doesn't get it, ask bluntly, "Do I look like a doctor?" Obviously, this will not be as effective if you actually are in the medical profession.

Deflecting Rude Viagra Jokes

Dear Miss Everhard,

I've been using Viagra for several years, and apparently a while back, word of this got out to some of my wife's family members. Now my brother-in-law won't stop giving me a hard time (no pun intended) about it. Every time we have a family get-together, he will go on and on telling the same Viagra jokes, and I know he's doing it just to humiliate me. How can I get him to quit it without causing a family feud?

Your brother-in-law sounds like the life of the party. Give me his number so I can invite him to my next social function. Telling off-color jokes at a family gathering is poor manners to begin with, and doing so at the expense of a relative is adding insult to injury. Tasteless or insulting jokes are best met with a polite smile and stern silence, or by asking quizzically, "I'm sorry - did you mean that to be humorous?" Chances are you are not the only person there who is made uncomfortable by his clumsy attempts at humor. If he's such a comedian, you might suggest that he work up some new material, since Viagra jokes are pretty tired unless they deal with current events. No doubt you will get some support from others in his captive audience who are weary of his act.

Just Saying No

Dear Miss Everhard,

I'm a single gay man and I recently had an awkward experience with a man I started seeing. When we went back to his place on our second date, he offered me a Viagra tablet and another substance that I won't name for fear of incriminating the guilty party. This was not something that I was comfortable with, especially since I don't know him that well, and I said so. He acted very offended and our date ended abruptly. What is a more graceful way to handle such a situation?

You might try, "Thanks, but I'm allergic." Or: "Do you mind if I take that to go?"

Overenthusiastic Husbands

Dear Miss Everhard,

I am 75 and my husband is 80. He's been using Viagra for the last 5 years. The problem is that he enjoys it too much, and frankly, I need a rest. It's not that I don't want sex. I'd just prefer that he not be so, you know, vigorous. How do I get him to stop taking it? If I hide his pills he just gets more.

Once the magic blue genie is out of the pill bottle, it's difficult to get it back in. It's unlikely that your husband will give Viagra up entirely. One tack would be to inform him that until the drug companies come up with a female equivalent, he will have to moderate himself. Or you could explain that while you enjoy his amorousness, you really prefer to cuddle most evenings. Encourage him to take up some hobbies into which he can channel his "energies". Perhaps he'll wear himself out and fall asleep before he has a chance to take his nightly dose.

Discretion During Coitus

Dear Miss Everhard,

If a lady is engaging in relations with a male partner, and knows or has reason to believe that he has taken Viagra prior to their coupling, is it considered poor manners for her to make reference of this during the act?

Why would a lady assume that a gentleman's robustness or longevity in bed is incited by anything other than his desire for her? Even if she caught sight of him ingesting a pill prior to lovemaking, she should feign ignorance. If the gentleman makes mention of having taken the drug, the lady would still do best to keep her comments to herself, in case the gentleman is "joking" as a subterfuge.

Halloween Costume

Viagra SPAM Recipes

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